Berkeley Noir Read online

  "We're here, Grandma," she whispered, and a wave of grief rolled through her.

  Only to be interrupted by Jimi Hendrix.

  Savannah lived an hour away, in Vacaville, but Kaylie could count on the fingers of one hand the times her sister had been over to help with Grandma in the past six months. Oh, but she'd had plenty of advice. She'd done research. She'd suggested herbal remedies. New doctors. Just last month she proposed a trip to the Mayo Clinic. As if there were a cure for advanced emphysema.

  When Kaylie let her know a few weeks ago that the end was near, and wanted to keep her in the loop about their options, Savannah had responded with outrage. She thought Kaylie's "predictions" were "premature." She specifically said that using the words "dying" and "hospice" were manipulative on Kaylie's part. As if she were maliciously trying to pry Savannah away from her blue-ribbon children and husband. At the end of her rant, Savannah announced that she'd "look into the situation," and hung up.

  Late this afternoon, as Grandma had struggled to draw air into her lungs, her whole body racked with pain, Kaylie spooned doses of morphine into her mouth. One after another. Once Grandma lost consciousness, it was nearly impossible to get her to swallow more, but the other options for killing her were horrifying, and so Kaylie cradled her ancient skull in the crook of her elbow, wrapping her arm around so she could use her hand to hold Grandma's jaw open. She continued dripping morphine onto her tongue, sometimes massaging her throat to ease it down, until she finished her off at eight fifteen p.m., just as dusk softened the harsh light of day.

  Kaylie knew, without a shred of doubt, that Grandma would want exactly that—to have Kaylie be the one—and exactly this, what she was about to do next.

  But now that they'd at long last arrived at the pier, back at the pier, Kaylie's will began collapsing. Not her resolve. She knew this was right. But the physical energy necessary to carry it out went missing. She realized that she hadn't eaten anything all day, not even a bowl of cereal. She briefly considered stopping in at Skates Restaurant, just on the other side of the pier, for some sustaining nutrients, but the idea of sitting at a table clad with a starched white cloth and shiny cutlery, surrounded by the sounds of clinking cocktails, digging into sole meunière, while her grandma waited unguarded in the backseat of the Pontiac, just wasn't right.

  Kaylie stalled by listening to her phone messages. In the first one, from midmorning, Savannah simply asked, "So how is she?" This one was followed by a couple of insistent demands of, "Why aren't you calling me back?" In the next, Savannah announced that she was coming to Berkeley, that she'd leave right after she put the kids to bed. Kaylie should expect her by nine o'clock.

  She must have just missed her. By now Savannah had probably parked her Lexus in front of Grandma's house, keyed her way in the front door, and found the empty bed. Kaylie had made sure to bring the bottles, eyedropper, and even the spoon with her, to not leave anything sketchy at the bedside, but now she wished she'd stopped on her way to the marina to drop them in a garbage bin far from home, and also far from the marina. She should chuck them now, in any case. If Savannah called the police, and that would definitely be her style, then Kaylie needed to be free of evidence.

  She grabbed the plastic bag into which she'd stuffed all the paraphernalia and got out of the car, locking Grandma in, as if that would be necessary. Walking at the pace Savannah used for exercise—she called it pep-stepping—Kaylie hustled along the harbor until she came to one of the public bathrooms. Perfect. Her bagful of gear looked like it belonged to any addict, and she stuffed it deep into the garbage bin, shoving it under some McDonald's bags. Then she crouched down by water's edge and washed her hands, the rank iciness triggering so many memories, though she refused to cry. She had to finish what she'd begun, and she had to do it quickly.

  And yet, walking back to the car she couldn't resist stopping at the entrance to the pier, long fenced off due to structural issues too expensive for the city to fix. One of her most painful regrets was how, in the past few years during Grandma's illness, she hadn't been able to bring her to the pier. They'd come a few times to the water's edge, where the Pontiac was now parked, and even tried fishing from the rocky barrier, but it wasn't the same, not even close. Navigating a catch across those sharp, massive rocks was nearly impossible. Anyway, all their friends were gone.

  Kaylie put a sneaker toe through one of the diamond-shaped openings of the chain-link fence barring admittance to the pier. It was an easy climb—only a few feet high, and no barbed wire—and a moment later she leaped down on the other side. Oh, how good it felt to walk that length, smell the barnacles clinging to rotting wood, the soft breeze a balm against the inland heat, its touch as intimate as a lover's. And beyond, the lights of San Francisco, blinking their friendly message of hope in a ravaged country. Best of all, though, was the splash of the bay, slurping and wallowing, concealing all its bounty, so much life swimming right below her feet, the perch, bass, crabs, halibut, and stingrays. Once they'd caught a small shark.

  Duong and Tham Nguyen had helped them land the shark and that night Grandma invited their family over to dinner. It was one of the best nights ever. They brought a bunch of crazy Vietnamese dishes, and she and Grandma made potato salad and green Jell-O with canned tangerine slices. The adults drank a lot of beer and smoked lots of cigarettes. They all shouted jokes into the night.

  Kaylie was fifteen that year. Savannah had long since disowned her sister and grandma. She hated that they ate fish they caught themselves, hated that Grandma chain-smoked, hated even her array of friends from the pier, claimed that they were just a bunch of homeless people. "Maybe," Grandma had answered the first time Savannah shouted that assessment, but actually they weren't. Duong and Tham Nguyen ran a framing business in Berkeley. Pamela Roberts, an ancient black woman who fished every single day, even well into her dementia, and who everyone watched out for, had had a union job at the Ford auto assembly plant in Richmond until she retired. Shelly, a young black woman, was a public librarian in Oakland, and always fished with her two terriers as companions. James and Frank, a couple of Irish brothers, who staged loud, funny arguments as they fished, mostly for the entertainment of others, worked construction when they could get it. Everyone shared food and drinks and stories, when they felt like it, and also respected a person's desire for solitude and quiet. Kaylie and her grandma knew everyone and their stories. Who'd recently arrived in the Bay Area, or even in the country. Who'd been left by a partner. Who was struggling to make rent. One white guy, probably around sixty, was reportedly a billionaire, and yet every Sunday he sat with his feet up on the railing, a fishing line draped into the bay, never talked to anyone, but never bothered anyone, either. Fishing was a community, and Grandma had been at its heart.

  Once over the chain-link fence, Kaylie walked quickly to avoid being spotted by anyone on shore. The pier was no longer lit, and soon the tangy brine of dark night encompassed her stride. She didn't think Savannah would look for them here. Would she? It certainly made the most sense—that they'd come here—but it was a completely different kind of sense than the kind her sister possessed. If Savannah did call the police, it was possible that Officer Marta Ramirez had filed some sort of event report, even if she hadn't written a ticket, and they could be tracked pretty quickly. Kaylie shouldn't dally. Because once her sister decided on a course of action, good luck trying to divert her. At the age of twelve, Savannah had talked her way into a scholarship at a private school in Berkeley. Her biggest fear was that her classmates would so much as glimpse their grandma, with her wispy hair, the scalp showing through even when she was young, and her smoky breath and exuberant manner of talking, her loud honking laugh. Savannah moved out when she was seventeen and worked at Nordstrom to put herself through community college. She won sales awards with big bonuses. She now sold high-end furniture. She'd already said, well before it was an appropriate concession, that Kaylie could have the house. Now wasn't that generous, inasmuch as the house need
ed more work than its value.

  Kaylie heard voices. The dark lumps at the end of the pier were people. Quietly, she started backing up. She'd heard of rogue youths robbing people out here. One time armed teens forced a couple to jump into the bay where the water is so cold, hypothermia claims a body in about ten minutes. Even if you're a good swimmer, you don't have a chance.

  Unfortunately, that's when her phone rang again, Jimi Hendrix joyously making love to his guitar, loud and encompassing, as if he were playing the very night air.

  "What the fuck?" a voice at the end of the pier said.

  "Shit," said another. "We got company."

  She heard the crinkle of cellophane bags, the clunk of dropped half-full aluminum cans. A second later, three youths sprinted past her, their bare chests—two white and one brown—skinny as hope. They passed so quickly she didn't even have time to be scared. She listened to their sneakered feet pound all the way to the end of the pier. She heard the faint clinking of the chain-link fence as they heaved themselves over it. Then she cracked up, laughed out loud: those boys were afraid of her.

  Kaylie's laughter morphed into tears, and she collapsed onto the wooden planks of the pier, stretching out on her back and looking up through the blur of her tears at the few pale stars, the ones bright enough to shine through the city haze of artificial light. She wished she'd brought a fishing rod, longed for the feel of its grip in her hand, the jiggle of a bite, the tug at the beginning of the fish's resistance, and then the gentle, steady, focused reeling in. No one could clean a fish as expertly as Grandma, slicing through the fish belly with her boning knife, scraping out the guts. Of course the best part was eating the fried fish, usually with a side of chips or nothing else at all. Every single time, after cleaning her plate, Grandma would say the exact same words: "Nothing better than eating fish you caught yourself." Then she'd grin ear to ear as if it were an original comment or the first time she'd said it. Often after a good fish fry, they went to the grocery store for ice cream, which they brought home and ate straight from the carton. Once Savannah had made one of her rare visits as they were scraping the bottom of a tub of double-fudge caramel swirl, and she'd literally groaned out loud in disgust.

  Kaylie wiped her wet face with the bottom of her T-shirt, got to her feet, and walked to the end of the pier. The kids had left half-drunk beers and half-eaten bags of chips. She was sorry she'd scared them away. Stupid kids trying to enjoy a summer night. Kaylie climbed up on the thick railroad tie that formed the bottom of the blockade at the pier's end. She peered through the vertical pilings at the long stretch of black water. A breeze ruffled the surface.

  No, not a breeze. Something was there, in the water. A hard shiver shot through to Kaylie's core. Yes, it was a body, dark and wet, and apparently alive, as it slithered out of the water and then sank again. Someone was drowning. She grabbed her phone at the same time as she looked down the pier, trying to see if the kids were still nearby. She could call the police with one tap, but despite earlier fantasies, she didn't actually want to go to prison. The police were much more likely to book her than the kids, since she was here and they were gone, not to mention the dead body in the Pontiac. Anyway, the dark night, the teeming bay, the decaying wood, her jagged hunger, her grief, the crazy tsunamis of grief—these all converged to destroy any brain function she had left. She at least knew enough to not trust her perceptions anymore.

  Kaylie pushed her face back through the pilings and studied the surface of the bay. Had she imagined the body? She reached into the bag of Doritos, tossed a handful onto the water, and then screamed as something surged to the surface, opened its whiskered jaws, and swallowed the chips. She tossed in another handful, and the beast was joined by two more, writhing, diving, snorting.

  The fright manufactured by her traumatized imagination prevented Kaylie from actually laughing, but she might have at another time. Just sea lions. The fishing community hated them. Their ranks were growing, and they ate more than their share of the bay fish. Also, they'd become bold. Sometimes people fed them scraps, after cleaning their catch, teaching them that people meant food. Recently a sea lion literally boarded a docked fishing boat and bit a woman's leg. Another had lunged so forcefully out of the water that it had nearly inhaled a guy's arm as he tried to toss fish heads in the water. A swimmer had been attacked by a sea lion just last year. Kaylie threw them the rest of the chips, and then, what the hell, poured them what was left of the beers too.

  Walking back down the pier, she figured she'd better call her sister. She should have much earlier, to ward off the search. To give Kaylie a bit more time.

  "Where are you?" Savannah screeched. "I'm at Grandma's. She's not here."

  Savannah had always had a sixth sense, maybe full-on telepathy, born of her desperation to ward off the dangers she saw and felt and heard at every turn. Especially the dangers of Kaylie and Grandma and their embarrassing presences in her life. Of course Savannah couldn't know that Kaylie—and Grandma—were at the Berkeley Pier. And yet, it was very hard for Kaylie to not believe that she did know.

  "Answer me, Kaylie. Answer me now. Is Grandma okay?"

  "Of course Grandma's okay. Why wouldn't she be?"

  "Uh, maybe because she has emphysema?"

  "I think she said she's having dinner at the Garcias' house tonight. Did you try there?"

  "Of course I didn't try there. I have no idea who the Garcias are."

  "Yellow house on the corner."

  "I'm supposed to just go knock on their door?"

  "If you want to see Grandma."

  "It's after ten. She wouldn't still be there. Plus, she hasn't been out of bed in days."

  "Can't help you." Kaylie tapped off her phone. Naturally, it rang again immediately. She debated the pros and cons of answering, and was not able to conjure logic about either choice, so she went with the pull of a ringing phone and answered.

  "I'm calling the police," Savannah said. "Grandma better not be with you, because if she is, they'll find you. I can give them your phone number and they can track you."

  "You're sounding crazy, Van," Kaylie said, using the nickname she knew her sister hated.

  Even now, even with the prospect of their grandma being missing, her sister took the time to correct: "Sa-van-nah."

  Kaylie tapped out of the call again and vowed to not answer until she'd finished. How long until Savannah checked the garage and discovered that the Pontiac was missing?

  Back at the car, she realized that getting the kayak and her grandma over the giant craggy boulders would be next to impossible, so she drove quickly to the boat ramp on the other side of the marina. There, it was easy to slide the boat into the water. She gently hefted Grandma out of the backseat and placed her in the front of the kayak. She couldn't cry now. She just couldn't.

  She dropped into the back of the kayak, placing a leg on either side of Grandma, and used the blade of the paddle to shove off the floor of the cement ramp, and just like that, they were adrift in the harbor. She paddled hard, and damned if a half-moon didn't rise over the hills just as she cleared the breakwater. It'd been plenty bright even without the moonlight, but now she could see perfectly well, maybe too well, because others might be able to spot them from shore too. But there was no turning back. She couldn't quite predict what her sister would do. She'd be crazy irate, and so it was possible she'd go full bore for a murder charge. But no, she definitely wouldn't want that publicity. One way or another, though, somehow someone would have to account for the missing person. Then again, maybe not. People died all the time and folks didn't ask for specifics on body disposal. The neighbors would just express their condolences.

  The strong bay currents carried the kayak with its two passengers, the dead one resting against the stomach and chest of the living one, swiftly away from shore. The moonlight sparkled on the crests of the wavelets as a fresh breeze whipped up. Kaylie tugged the blade through the thick black water, but with the wind and the currents, her efforts seemed
to have no effect at all. She looked over her shoulder at the Golden Gate where even stronger currents swept out to the Pacific Ocean.

  She'd hoped to get under the pier, where she'd gently ease her grandma into a beloved last resting place. She'd imagined a quiet decorous ritual, a peaceful slip into the salty depths. But she didn't have the strength to fight the forces of nature, these strong bay currents. So she rested the paddle across her thighs and allowed the westward drift.

  The Jimi Hendrix riff danced against her breast where she'd shoved her phone into her jacket's inside pocket. She reached in, grabbed the phone, and threw it as far as she could, the splash much too tiny to feel satisfying. Maybe they'd think she drowned. She could move to another part of the country, somewhere entirely unexpected, like North Dakota, and become a different person altogether.

  The idea of disappearing, of faking her own death, reminded Kaylie that she did in fact have a life, a fairly nice one—sure, no girlfriend yet, but a decent job, a place to live. Funny how a person can keep functioning even when they think they can't. Life goes on. Hers would anyway. With its devastating disappointments. Its small joys. The occasional ecstasy. She didn't want to move to North Dakota. She wanted to stay here. Her grandma's death felt like obliteration, like suffocation, like too deep a hole to ever emerge from, but she would emerge. Kaylie knew that.

  When a dark shape, like a colossal slug, surfaced alongside the kayak, Kaylie startled. The wet mammal was joined by another, and then another. Kaylie's brain quivered like a jellyfish, the fear squishing thought, until, all at once, she realized how much Grandma would love this. How somehow, in the midst of her confusion and grief, she'd taken all the exact right actions. There was only one left, and it would be brutal, clumsy, horrific. But she had no choice at all, and even if she did have a choice, this would be the one she'd make. She imagined Grandma's grin if she could see herself now, dead in the front of a small plastic kayak, cruising along a speedy San Francisco Bay current at night, a pod of sea lions swimming alongside, their snorts prehistoric, their smell as rank as rotten oysters, as they chaperoned her into the next life.